El Talismán, Friday, 3/9/12, Episode 28: In which Tal*Mart announces a Fire Sale. And the paper? FUGGEDABOUTIT!

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Haiku recap. Crap.

Qué tal those limpid pools now

only AlcaTrash.

It’s true, dear Talismaniacs. Our comedy has been elbowed out by the new Televisa melodrama and we are now relegated to the midday Slot of Shame, subject to the vagaries of our DVRs and finding time to watch what is recorded.

On our ultimate Friday night together

ALL THE PIGS ARE WALLOWING AT ALCATRASH TONIGHT

LuCrazy defies the Pig. She refuses to sign over her part of AlcaTrash in return for his help in winning over Pedro.

The Pig is undeterred. He musters up the now drunken Valentín and trots over to the bordello looking for the Madame. He needs Brigitte to dig up that crooked notary public she knows, Lucas somebody. He has a document that needs tampering.

Doris finds Antonio waiting for her when she gets home from her shift at the boink mill. He’s mad that she’s trying to turn the F-girls against him. She provokes him, almost exactly as LuCrazy did earlier, by calling him less of a man than Pedro. But Doris gets the reaction we all know LuCrazy only dreams about. First he smacks her around and then he throws her down and ravishes her. Crazy Doris wins a round.

LuCrazyIsAnUnderstatement looks plenty jealous when Alberta tells her the Belt Buckle and his wife are fighting.

Lu meets up with the postcoital/postbeatdown Buckle and tells him about the Pig’s thwarted attempt to get her share of AlcaTrash. If Antonio does his part by getting Camila out of her way, her AlcaQuarterTrash is his. If not, she’ll sell it – or just give it – to Pedro. Grrrrrr says Tony’s frowny face.

The F-girls comfort each other. Fabi gets a call from Armando and that makes Flor even sadder because it reminds her of her tragic break-up with her imaginary suitor, José.

THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY -- OR -- TRACY TELLS ALL

Armando and Camila don’t get it. A civil ceremony in a week? Why the shotgun wedding? Camila has serious doubts about this Renato guy.

Pedro pretends to be oblivious to El Viral's glares and verbal digs. He keeps on smiling, quietly taking in everyone's measure. [Perhaps he is mentally fitting them for the straightjackets for which they are clearly candidates.]

Pancho finally emerges from the kitchen bearing a tray of drinks. (Keep those hands where we can see them, buster.) He greets Camila and Pedro and then reveals that Tracy is the secret chef responsible for the high class food El Viral has just been raving about.

Now it’s Tracy’s turn to make an appearance. She and Camila exchange girlish hugs and go into the kitchen to catch up on old times.

Meester Renato gives Tracy the stinkeye and thought bubbles: She’d better keep her mouth shut.

El Viral gives Camila the stinkeye and thought bubbles: Just what I needed. My daughter “tuteando” with the help.

It takes a bit of squeezing (Camila has to promise she won’t reveal her sources) but Tracy finally spills – Meester Renato thinks Camila’s ma is loaded and that’s why he’s courting her. He himself doesn’t have a penny. Why he takes money from her! He’s a complete phony!

Camila respects Tracy’s wishes and doesn’t confront Renato at the party. She and Pedro take their leave so coldly that even El Viral notices that the temperature has gone down. Which she blames on Pedro, of course.

AT EL TALISMÁN

Sarita is wearing a kinky catwoman maid’s uniform and she and Gabriel are just getting warmed up when ...

Tía Patricia pounds on the door. Pedro has called and asked after Lu and now Tía realizes the suicidal gate-crasher is missing. Damn. Everyone stops what they are doing to go Lu-hunting.

LuCrazyButPitiful finds them all in the livingroom and feigns surprise that her absence has caused a stir. Expressing a tear from her boundless teat of self-pity she asks if it’s a crime to fall in love. Because that’s her only offense – being in love with Pedro.

Look closely and you’ll see that dopey Claudio is buying it.

AT THE ONLY HOTEL INN™ -- OR -- EL VIRAL DENIES, DENIES, DENIES

Pedro’s hand is poised to knock on El Viral’s door but he stops when he hears raised voices inside.

Camila has served up the unpalatable truth – Renato is a complete fake. He’s not a millionaire. Not even close. “Check him out yourself” pleads Cami.

El Viral simply will not believe her. Not only that, she would marry Renato even if he had no money. You heard it, folks. She’s that into him.

But of course that’s not the case. He DOES have money. She saw his house, his butler, his car. For the love of all that is holy, He has a YACHT.

Where did she get that story anyway?

Avert your eyes, dear viewers, from the flash of the lightbulb that goes on over El Viral's head: "It was that maid, that TRACY person, wasn't it?"

Oh it wasn't that criada??? Well then it’s obvious. Camila’s just making up lies out of jealousy because she’s stuck with the low-class rancher, Pedro Ibarra. And she doesn’t want her mother to be happy.

In that case, Camila can forget she has a mother. She has to choose – Pedro or Mommy Dearest! Now go!

Here El Viral flings open the door ... only to find Pedro standing on the other side, calmly waiting for Camila.

Avances: There are none. Now that the show has been banished to the daytime Slot of Shame, no one can be bothered to cobble together the re-views they have been calling pre-views.